I would firstly like to point out that I am no way old enough to remember that programme. I wasn’t even a twinkle when it aired but the title adquately describes last week.
Sunday – The toilet got blocked and leaked.
Monday – The mother in law got stuck in the bath it threw her because she let the water out before trying to get out. So three hours later we found her because the toilet was still blocked. I had to get her out and things like this regardless of my dodgy back are NOT MY DEPARTMENT. A friend after checking Mary was okay, nearly wet herself with hysterical laughter. I had my eyes closed at one point despite the numerous towels round her then decided nightmares were better than A&E if we slipped. I then slaved over three ready meals, and had to parcel Bernard’s up because he had to go home and see the plumber who was working after hours so charged time and a turd! (That one belongs to the plumber’s grandad.)
Plumber left, toilet still blocked. Plumber’s granddad went and got us some ‘Give it One Shot’ while B came back for me. Put ‘Give it One Shot’ down toilet later.
Tuesday – ‘Give it Second Shot’.
The mother in law was going to the doctors anyway with the brother in law. I spent five hours logged on to work and did 3:40 hours because apart from making the contractor a cup of tea I had a ‘couple’ of conversations with mother and brother in law.
In my defence I had no idea that Mary had been asked to provide a wee sample.
Mary: ‘How do I get water in this thing?’ – No hello or anything
Me: ‘Take the lid off, it’s not like the other one’
Mary: ‘But how do I get water in’
Me: ‘Put it under the tap’
Now I can’t remember exactly what Mary said next because the penny was dropping
Me: ‘Do you mean a wee sample? I thought you meant the new kettle!’ Oops
Mary: ‘Do I use boiling water?’
I don’t know how I didn’t fall off my chair.
Mary: ‘I can’t go.’
Me: ‘Have you had a cup of tea?’
Mary: ‘No, can I?’
Me: ‘Yes and some breakfast’ – she’d had a fasting blood test
Mary: ‘I need to go today’
Me: ‘I’m sure you will at some point.’
Mary: ‘It needs to go back today’
Further enquiries of doctor’s receptionist and then brother in law revealed it infact did ideally need to go back today. So the pressure was on…
Mary: ‘It’s orange. Is that okay? You know, this thing.’
Mary: ‘In this pot!’ exasperated.
Me: ‘Oh, yes, well you’ve not had much to drink.’ Penny dropping, we’ll be minted if this carries on.
Mary: ‘What colour’s yours?’
Me: ‘Light straw, I drink a lot of water.’
Mary: ‘Is this alright then’
Me: ‘Yes, it will be fine’
Mary: ‘I’ve kicked the bugger over!’
Me: ‘Well you can do another later’
Mary: ‘I don’t think I’ll bother. It’s not worth it.’ – Huge ‘I’m old what’s the point moment’
Me: ‘Would you like to stay with me tonight’
Mary: ‘Yes… but will he not mind’ – Oh, you mean your baby
Me: ‘No, Mary it’s fine, Bernard will be at work anyway’
Mary: ‘Okay, I’ll go and clear this up’
Sudden realisation that the toilet is still blocked – go and ‘Give it Third Shot’.
Mary: ‘I’ve not been yet’
Me: ‘Have another cup of tea. I’ll ring you in an hour. By the way would you prefer it if I stayed at yours?’
Mary: ‘No, the change will do me good.’
‘Give it Fourth Shot’ – Thinking of suing for false advertising
Seventh call – Okay so it was ten minutes after I should have rung –
Me: ‘Sorry, I was getting Bernard’s lunch’ (It’s okay if I’m doing something for B because that’s what I’m supposed to do being a fluffy female. ‘I was getting paving flags up with a crow bar and breaking them with a sledgehammer’ – ‘Did you not get his tea after that?’ – Actually at the time I did.)
Mary: ‘I’ve been!’
Toilet STILL blocked and we’re out of Shots!
Bernard was going to his mum’s to use the toilet, take wee to doctors and tell her she couldn’t spend night at ours but she agreed I could go there.
I used neighbour’s toilet and went to Blood Support Group Meeting. Came home. Got lift off brother in law to mother in law’s. There before nine. Catered to her every whim.
Went to bed about 12 and Mary managed to go to the toilet in the night about 50 times. Okay I exaggerate, slightly. I myself went once and then went and took some painkillers because my back was giving me a bit of gip – maybe different bed and lifting her on Monday and when I went back upstairs about half an hour later she nearly bowled me over going to the toilet as she’d been waiting because she thought I was in bathroom. And every time she got back in bed I had to pull the cover up – somehow she manages when there’s no-one else there. Little old lady act?
Wednesday – Bernard picked me up at 7:00 and Mary stayed in bed. She says she’s normally up at 6 ish!
Tried to get some work done but seemed to take forever.
Gave toilet whole new bottle of ‘Give it One Shot’. Manufacturer obviously can’t count.
Auntie En phoned to say x-ray showed collapsed vertebra and myeloma scan on blood test. (Still waiting for results of this.)
Phone calls from two friends and Auntie Ann re driving test.
Thursday – Awake at 4:30. Leave message for Blood Nurse re Auntie En’s news, go back to bed.
Up at 7:30. Bernard politely reminded me that I hadn’t transferred money to pay contractor. Locked myself out of internet banking service in rush to prove I wasn’t inept. Used neighbour’s toilet. Went to fail driving test dramatically.
Lunch with friend.
Train to another friend’s (yes I’ve got two), trip to supermarket (oh, the excitement), tea at Chris’s.
So I was out from 8:20 to 22:30. I don’t know what Bernard means that he didn’t see me last week.
Friday – Few hours work.
Few hours Blood Clinic.
Contractor finished drive.
Drainage contractor turned up to clear toilet blockage.
This week… well I’ve been BORED!