Really there isn’t. Keep calm! Everything will be okay! Really? No, there’s every reason to PANIC, and then PANIC some more! LOTS AND LOTS OF PANIC and lets throw in some anxiety for the fun of it!
As you may be aware my darling husband LOVES his NEW car (when exactly do cars stop being NEW – this one is 12 months old in November for goodness sake – B could probably tell us exactly how many months, days and hours old it is exactly).
Well, okay deep breaths, in with the calm out with the not so calm. Buddy and I went out in my lunch break in the car. I contemplated taking him on his second walk of the day but the weather was lousy so we went for a drive for another essential dog toy and some non essential dog food. The toy was one I’d seen last week it was a big goose with a ropey neck and legs (Mister Twister) – because B is a little unsure around the small rubber ring that we got Buddy (which he loves) as B has never owned a dog and he gets a little nervous with his hand so close to Buddy’s mouth when he’s frothing and growling – Buddy not B! Needless to say Buddy proceeded to introduce the goose to the garden this afternoon and brought it back in at my insistence all damp and with a broken wing after all of about three minutes!
When we went into the pet shop he was so good – even though I was by then a little distracted – he got two treats off the cashier for being so good and sitting when I asked him to for the treat and complemented by the couple in front whose dog is half the size and apparently has a ‘give me the treat or I’ll bite you’ attitude! He also got fussed by both of them and was so well mannered they were so impressed! I should have got something in writing.
When we got to the retail park my first port of call was TK Maxx for the goose and I had to leave Bud in the car! THE CAR! Now on Saturday we called at ASDA after leaving my Auntie Ann’s and left Buddy in the car with his harness still attached to the seat belt. I got back to the car to discover that he’d decided to play ballerina and pirouetted round and round and round until he, the harness and the seat belt were as one. He had then attempted to free himself from this predicament by CHEWING THE SEAT BELT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I looked at the seatbelt slack jawed in horror he jumped out of the back seat while still attached and managed to escape from his harness whilst leaving it still buckled!?!?! Maybe we should rename him Houdini. Fortunately he is quite obedient and got back in his harness at my insistence just in time for B to arrive with the milk he’d gone back for. I then got Buddy strapped back in without B noticing anything untoward. I obviously then confessed to the misdemeanour and B took it really well – I know I should probably have started to panic there and then. He didn’t even get flustered when a neighbour informed us that the car won’t pass an MOT with a seatbelt damaged in any way, I had suggested we could say the m-i-l tried to chew her way out – she has never been able to successfully operate a seatbelt to Bernard and his brother’s continuing annoyance.
We decided that when we left him in the car in future we would release the harness. I did this on Monday when I nipped to the chemist – he was in the car alone all of three minutes and somehow an alarm went off – which is a bit worrying because we don’t have one! Either he found one somewhere or I totally didn’t see someone going to a neighbouring car and switching their alarm off at the exact moment that I pressed the door release and the noise stopped – it’s a small car park and I would have had to have had my eyes closed for this to be the case.
When we arrived at TK Maxx Buddy was settled on the back seat – so you know what I did – I left him there because he whines a bit in the car anyway so as he was settled I didn’t want to disturb him by moving him to unbuckle the seat belt. That makes sense. IT DOES.
I whizzed through the store as fast as my lytic lesion in my right femur would allow, grabbed the goose by the neck and queued and queued – while some elderly lady and her quite rude son debated whether they were prepared to pay for a carrier bag!
I got back to the car to see Buddy still on the back seat, looking cutely out of the window – awwwwwwww – I opened the door to tell him what a good boy he was and give him the goose and nearly passed out. He may have been seating there cutely gazing out of the window but he didn’t have to be sat there because HE HAD CHEWED COMPLETELY THROUGH THE SEATBELT!
I haven’t told B yet – when I got home I pulled the back seat forward and wedged the end of the seat belt behind it before clicking it back into place! It could have been worse I nearly put him in the passenger seat it was only the thought that it would be better to be consistent that stopped me!
I think I can safely say I am in deep, deep doo-doo!
Oh, and if any of you so much as snicker (not naming any names in particular – Denise) I will send you a lambasting email.
I’m now going for a lie down in a dark room!