Tag Archives: m-i-l

To ‘Nearly’ Done List

I’ve nearly done by ‘To Do List’ along with some additional things.  That said when my sister in law rang yesterday afternoon I got panicky thinking it was the hospital and I hadn’t finished it.

In addition to the list I’ve cancelled the laptop insurance for our lost laptop, changed energy supplier, got a better deal on the house phone, added some yarn that’s been lying around to my yarn index, made a dressing gown that was too much of a bargain to leave on the rail into a cardigown and knit/crocheted this…

Some assembly still required

I had two units of blood today so I fully expect to finish my list tomorrow and I’ve told B that with this haemoglobin boost and once I’ve caught up with my sleep tonight he better brace himself as I’ll be so full of beans.

Now usually, although I’m not shy with my opinion, I’m not one to force advice on people but I’d like to finish today with a little bit of marriage guidance for the ladies.

When one’s husband says that the district nurse was at his mother’s tending too a sore on her bottom he may not appreciate it if one responds with ‘A pressure sore?!?  That’ll be because she’s sitting on her arse to much.’

Dear Doctor

You may remember, and if not –why not, that the last time we saw the Prof at the Royal he referred to me as ‘intelligent’ (or, as per accompanying friend’s recollection, very intelligent) however it would appear that B’s brother finds me incapable of recording and passing on a message.

B’s brother rang on Monday to ask (tell) him if he could make an appointment to take the m-i-l to her GP’s as she had a fungal infection in her toe nail.  So I rang up yesterday morning and after taking the second appointment offered, B then rang his mother and then rang the GP’s receptionist back and re-took the first!

At 12:05 today B’s brother rang and asked if B was up.  I said no, whilst resisting the urge to ask what the heck would he be doing up at noon on a work day and that he would be getting up at 14:30.  (I mean he only gets in at 07:50, after food shopping, and had missed breakfast to get to bed earlier than usual to ensure he was up in time.)  So B’s brother started to tell me what he wanted B to say to the GP (along with the toe thing) and when I asked questions (we all know how unlike me that is) he decided he’d try and ring back to speak to B before he left to pick the m-i-l up.  He did but our phone is dodgy (really it is, really) so he left a message that was so complicated I couldn’t have passed it on (despite doing shorthand).

I asked B if you wanted me to do a note to the GP and he said yes.  I wasn’t too sure he was serious or not, but it turned out he was when he asked for it just before he left – so I drafted a quick letter and decided to share it with you – basically, so you know the reason for my impending sudden disappearance.  I would point out that I have met the GP they are seeing and he does have a sense of humour, it was in a sealed envelope and B has strict instructions not to open it before they get in and certainly not in front of his mother!  So I’m completely at the mercy of the GP as to whether they find out what was in it!

Dear Dr S

Bernard’s brother asked if he could bring their mum to see you re a fungal infection on her toe nail (he didn’t say which one).  He also asked if, as she was housebound, the district nurse could call out daily to administer treatment. 

He rang us today to ask if Bernard could ask you to register that she was housebound so that any attention she needed in future could be carried out by the district nurse at home.  I understand she has been going to the walk-in centre for a dressing changed on her leg following a fall and he wanted this to be carried out by the district nurse (as it’s only been convenient to do this because our nephew has been home from Uni).

Despite 103 hospital appts with me this year (okay slight exaggeration) Bernard has the retention quality of a distracted three year old unless it involves pretty women hence this note.

I have no idea if Billinge still has a district nurse or if so whether they would do this sort of thing.

Yours sincerely

Paula Kilgallon (darling daughter in law)

PS – I have told Bernard that if it involves Mary’s big toe this may not be a fungal infection as the last time I took her to the chiropodist (last year) this was discussed and they said it was the result of an injury to the nail bed and filed the nail down.  (I did also say that if it was a fungal infection I’d show my ar… behind in Woollies window* so would be grateful if you could bear this in mind in arriving at your diagnosis. ;D)

*  An expression used only when you felt quite safe that your rear end wouldn’t ‘end’ up on display to passing innocent shoppers.

Mother in Law Calling (as in ringing – what else!)

Two weeks ago, on the Tuesday, the m-i-l rang and I ignored it.  I listened to the message to make sure she hadn’t fallen and couldn’t get up.  Then the m-i-l rang again and yet again I ignored it but again listened to the message.  And then the third time – this was all in the space of about an hour and a half – so quite spread out really for when she wants something – I answered it.

M-i-l:  ‘I’ve phoned twice!’

Me:  ‘Oh yeah.’

M-i-l:  ‘Have you been out?’

Me:  ‘No.’

M-i-l:  ‘I don’t understand what you’re saying.’

Me:  ‘I’m saying that I haven’t been out and yet, due to the wonders of caller display, I didn’t pick up the receiver and say ‘ello.’  Well you and I both know I didn’t really say that I just thunk it, and as it happened I didn’t get chance because the m-i-l didn’t pause for breath and carried on…

M-i-l:  ‘I need some Voltarol.’ (anti-inflammatory pain cream)

Me:  ‘Don’t you get that on prescription?’

M-i-l:  ‘What do you mean?’

Me:  ‘You get it from the doctor.’

M-i-l:  ‘Oh, no!’  Now I know full well that she has indeed in the past had a huge tube on prescription because I saw a dispensing label on it and I’m sure you would need a second mortgage to buy a tube that size without a prescription.

Me:  `Well’ and bear in mind this was the Tuesday after the stomach bug weekend so I couldn’t really be ar… fussed ‘could No 1 Son not pick it up for you with your shopping?’

M-i- l:  ‘Oh, yeah.’


M-i-l:  ‘Actually, I wasn’t ringing you for that.’ I had to admit I thought she was ringing to instruct me to get her a birthday card for B.  ‘I need a birthday card for Bernard.’  Woman’s institution still working then.

Me:  ‘Okay.’

Well with one thing and another I haven’t really been in a position to get one from either of us, without a significant effort which I didn’t feel like making, until yesterday.

So I bought our cards and decided the simplest way to get the m-i-l’s the four miles from ours to hers was to post it!  Look some things are better left to the postman – he gets paid for it.

I popped a note and the card in an envelope and sent B and Bud off to the post box on the way to their usual walk.

Now I knew this wasn’t gonna be straightforward and fully expected at least one of the following…

The m-i-l to ring and say that she has got her cleaner to get the card when she goes for her a pie!!!!!!

The m-i-l to ring and say she had had a note through the door saying they couldn’t get something through the letterbox

The m-i-l to ring and say £1.69 (I left the price sticker on and it’s not like I included a SAE and remittance advice) was too much for the card and if she had gone for one herself she would have gone to the cheaper card shop

The m-i-l to ring and ask how was B gonna get the card

What I didn’t anticipate was a stumble at the first hurdle.  Ten minutes, if that, after setting out I heard B and Bud return.  Thinking something dire must have happened I whizzed downstairs.

B:  ‘It wouldn’t fit in the post box.’

Now to be fair the post box in question is set in someone’s garden wall and does have a small slot however with some skill and manipulation its surprising what you can get in.

Me:  ‘The card doesn’t fill the whole envelope, fold it over and then if it wedges, stick your hand in and give it a tap.’  I am always a little dubious about this I must admit, since I read about someone sticking their hand in a post box that had some short of anti-take back your post device and they and the post box got to know each other quite well over the course of the next five hours.

B: ‘But…’

Me:  ‘It will fit.  I used to post survey reports in there, you just have to be creative.’

B:  ‘But…’


So now I just have to wait for the phone call from the m-i-l when she gets back from her Wednesday club – I’m betting it’s going to be…

M-i-l:  ‘Whose Birthday is it?’

Me:  ‘Bernard’s.’

M-i-l:  ‘When is it?’

Me:  ‘Tomorrow.’

M-i-l:  ‘Oh, yeah!  I need a card.’

Granny for a Granny

It was the m-i-l’s birthday last Wednesday.  Every year from late November/early December she starts saying that ‘someone’s’ birthday is in January.  Well, yeah a LOT of someone’s have birthdays in January but apparently no-one really bothers for this ‘someone’s’ birthday.  Not that this bothers that ‘someone’.

After a number of years of this you get to the point where you start not to disagree.  A bit like when ‘someone’s’ birthday arrives and ‘someone’ says they don’t get any presents or cards and again after years of ‘Well, you got a card off blah, blah, blah and blah, who else did you expect one off?’ ‘Well no-one’.  Or as you are sitting next to the two vases filled with flowers that you had delivered, and annually blanched over paying that much for flowers that last two weeks you ask…

‘Other than us and your no 1 son, who do you get presents off?’


‘Well didn’t we get you the flowers?’


‘Did you get a present off no 1 son?’

‘No.’  Now I have always interpreted this to mean ‘not yet’ as for all his quirks and foibles I can’t believe B’s brother wouldn’t get her a gift.

This year the m-i-l got a gift off her cleaner.  (Yes she agreed to a cleaner after the visit from Environmental Health – I jest there of course – it’s the one my s-i-l’s parents have.)  A scarf and glove set – it should look just lovely in the wardrobe with the others!  It was just as well the cleaner was so thoughtful as this year she was proved right and our gift is still here sitting on the table.

B was going to take it on Wednesday but I had quite finished it when we got a call to say that the mini bus driver who transports her to and from the Wednesday Club couldn’t get her front door open so, B had to go off sans present and ‘breakfast’.  The m-i-l got a free extended mini bus tour out of it.

A locksmith, from a local extremely reputable firm, called out on Friday to have a look at the lock, as it has been iffy since Christmas.  He rang us just before we left for the Royal regarding payment.  B said the m-i-l had enough cash to pay him which she did.  Apparently though along with the cash she gave him her opinion of the charges – ‘it’s a disgrace’ and ‘disgusting’.  That’s us black balled there then.

So this year in line with my new addiction to crochet (following on from Share a Square – deadline extended to 30 April 2011) and after my spur of the moment attempt to cryogenically freeze her on Boxing Day failed (details to follow) and only resulted in her huddled whingeing under our throw I thought I’d made her one of her own so she could be toasty on her settee at home.  Well we have experienced unusually, for us, low temperatures – and there’s always the chance of spontaneous combustion!