Dear Doctor

You may remember, and if not –why not, that the last time we saw the Prof at the Royal he referred to me as ‘intelligent’ (or, as per accompanying friend’s recollection, very intelligent) however it would appear that B’s brother finds me incapable of recording and passing on a message.

B’s brother rang on Monday to ask (tell) him if he could make an appointment to take the m-i-l to her GP’s as she had a fungal infection in her toe nail.  So I rang up yesterday morning and after taking the second appointment offered, B then rang his mother and then rang the GP’s receptionist back and re-took the first!

At 12:05 today B’s brother rang and asked if B was up.  I said no, whilst resisting the urge to ask what the heck would he be doing up at noon on a work day and that he would be getting up at 14:30.  (I mean he only gets in at 07:50, after food shopping, and had missed breakfast to get to bed earlier than usual to ensure he was up in time.)  So B’s brother started to tell me what he wanted B to say to the GP (along with the toe thing) and when I asked questions (we all know how unlike me that is) he decided he’d try and ring back to speak to B before he left to pick the m-i-l up.  He did but our phone is dodgy (really it is, really) so he left a message that was so complicated I couldn’t have passed it on (despite doing shorthand).

I asked B if you wanted me to do a note to the GP and he said yes.  I wasn’t too sure he was serious or not, but it turned out he was when he asked for it just before he left – so I drafted a quick letter and decided to share it with you – basically, so you know the reason for my impending sudden disappearance.  I would point out that I have met the GP they are seeing and he does have a sense of humour, it was in a sealed envelope and B has strict instructions not to open it before they get in and certainly not in front of his mother!  So I’m completely at the mercy of the GP as to whether they find out what was in it!

Dear Dr S

Bernard’s brother asked if he could bring their mum to see you re a fungal infection on her toe nail (he didn’t say which one).  He also asked if, as she was housebound, the district nurse could call out daily to administer treatment. 

He rang us today to ask if Bernard could ask you to register that she was housebound so that any attention she needed in future could be carried out by the district nurse at home.  I understand she has been going to the walk-in centre for a dressing changed on her leg following a fall and he wanted this to be carried out by the district nurse (as it’s only been convenient to do this because our nephew has been home from Uni).

Despite 103 hospital appts with me this year (okay slight exaggeration) Bernard has the retention quality of a distracted three year old unless it involves pretty women hence this note.

I have no idea if Billinge still has a district nurse or if so whether they would do this sort of thing.

Yours sincerely

Paula Kilgallon (darling daughter in law)

PS – I have told Bernard that if it involves Mary’s big toe this may not be a fungal infection as the last time I took her to the chiropodist (last year) this was discussed and they said it was the result of an injury to the nail bed and filed the nail down.  (I did also say that if it was a fungal infection I’d show my ar… behind in Woollies window* so would be grateful if you could bear this in mind in arriving at your diagnosis. ;D)

*  An expression used only when you felt quite safe that your rear end wouldn’t ‘end’ up on display to passing innocent shoppers.