When I envisaged that it would be like to be a grown-up it inevitably included kids! We would have about three to avoid that thing that used to happen when I was a kid. Not to me because I was an only child thus prompting the need for more than one. This thing happened when I called for a friend who was the older sister. Her little sister would start whining about coming with us, wherever we were going, and her mum would then make my friend take her little sis with us – presumably so she could get a bit of peace and quiet. My friend would then sulk outrageously and try to get rid of her younger sister. I used to think it was kinda cool (I don’t think that word actually existed in my neighbourhood at the time however) since I didn’t have one of my own – I kind of liked her little sister tagging along. Ultimately every single time this happened, the younger, generally but occasionally the older sister, would end up going home in a major strop and possibly in tears.
So to avoid the only child and the tag-along sibling we’d be going for three kids. These children would do as they were told and be really, really good BUT they would be creative and imaginative and get up to the occasional piece of mischief to my quiet amusement. Learning would be fun but no pressure would have been put on them to perform academically – it being more important that they were happy!
I would have been the mum that all the other mums hated. I would have been good with my kids and their kids. We would have nutritional but overwhelmingly appetising meals. My children’s lunch boxes would have been packed with fun but healthy lunches that would have the other kids going home saying ‘I want what ?!?!?! has for lunch!’ Which brings us to names…
They would have cool but unostentatious names like Finlay (shortened to Fin – from a Company Secretary’s middle name where I used to work in my early 20s), Malachai (shortened to Chai pronounced K-eye from Children of the Corn) and Chavez (Young Guns II) – okay I wasn’t too sure about that one and I had given no regard to what their surname would be – Chavez Kilgallon!
We would do allsorts of fun things including glue and pasta, grow little plants, paint, ladybirds and yoghurt pots.
And of course they would all have handmade clothes, bed linen and curtains and funky furniture along with stencilled/painted animals, grass and cute bugs on the bedroom walls.
Ohh and there would be hundreds of books from which they’d be read to every night whether they wanted to or not – because we all know kids like one book at a time and like it read 310 times before moving onto another one. But there would be lots anyway especially pop-up ones because I like them best!
So between the names, activites, food and general well behavedness of my children, piled on top of being the most popular mum amongst all my kid’s friends I would be known affectionately by the other mums as $%^&*!!!!!
Of course the myeloma has put a stop to any of this becoming a reality. Since it’s a generally old, generally male ailment pregnancy advice doesn’t feature highly apart from relating to thalidomide. Nurses have said that it’s not inconceivable that I could conceive but I have to admit what I’ve read isn’t generally particularly good and that’s without factoring in my age and bone lesions!
However I have how realised after watching The Middle that our life with kids would have been more like that! They would have been going to school with jam sandwiches and a bag of crisps after a breakfast of Frosties. I would have been calling someone else’s mum $%^&* because she was perfect. There would have been broken windows and lots of falling, football constantly harassing the neighbours, me screaming like a fishwife that they needed to get out of next door’s apple tree or off the roof and they would have been called Chassis, Breezeblock and Three!